starting on a road less traveled on

Why can’t you stay in your room five minutes in the silence?

I wrote this four weeks ago, as well. I didn’t have internet at the time. Just thought I’d post it anyway.

I’ll admit that sometimes I do have a problem with silence. I’m so used to having music playing all the time even when I’m by myself in the room. I need the internet to browse the web and connect with people and write blog posts and have people read my blog posts and comment on my blog posts and I’ll comment on their’s back, yes, yes. Or so that I can be an attention prostitute.

And now I’m without internet and I feel woefully deprived. As if something’s missing. The boredom is killing me, because without internet, I don’t have anything to do. I already practiced piano today, I forgot to bring a book just in case I didn’t have internet (because I assumed that I would have internet) and I have more than an hour until bedtime and I’m just sitting here with the computer open and music playing (again) and trying to think about stuff to write because I simply have nothing else to do. Plus no one’s here yet, so I can’t socialize, not that I am any good at that, either.

Then this song started playing. It’s a song called Five Minutes, by the Boston-based boy band (Woo! Alliteration skills!) Forget the Girl. I have no idea what they’re up to, but last I heard they were in the process of recording a new CD, which would be slow in coming because band members went to graduate school and got married and important stuff like that.

Anyway, it’s weird the way some songs will speak to you your own thoughts at the right time. Or even give you what amounts to a lecture on the very topic you’re thinking of, or trying to avoid.

This song is a little like the “forgotten song” I’ve talked about in a previous blog, and not just because I forgot about it for months and months. It’s reminding me of things I once knew how to do but forgot how to. Like sitting still and figuring it out.

It’s making me feel as if I’m so close to finally getting things right.

I can’t sit still. I need to be always moving, always running around, always feeling as if I’m useful. I do like being useful, and I do like helping people. At the same time, I realized that sometimes, my serving only serves as an excuse, a distraction. Something to keep myself from thinking too hard. Something to keep myself from postponing decisions to be made, and things to be figured out.

Like figuring out why I can’t stop thinking about past mistakes I’ve made, no matter how stupid they are. At some point, I need to stop worrying that I’ll make the mistake again and let go of it and just live. I can’t change the fact that it’s already happened, and all I can do is learn from it and move on.

Maybe we do worry too much at times about things like acceptance, and the question of whether we’re so messed-up that we’re beyond redemption, not to mention friendship. Whether people will leave our sides once they realize how much is churning below the surface — and because they’re afraid that we’ll draw them into our struggles.

Or because we believe that we’re such screw-ups that we’re afraid that we’ll fail those people as well.

We need to go on and live our lives how we were meant to live it.

Silence is good for me. I don’t have anything to distract me for a while, so I can confront that sense of wrongness that I’ve been feeling for a while. Perhaps I’m only five minutes away from finding the answer.

Maybe we keep on adding to the noise in our lives because we’re so afraid of figuring things out. Or maybe because we’re so afraid of the darkness we will find when we shut the music off.

But then, perhaps we can still become free.

‘Cause you’re five minutes from
Starting on a road less traveled on
Five minutes from
Knowing why you need distraction
You’re five minutes from
Five minutes from real life

All photos are under a CC license and used with permission. Click photos for credits.

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22 thoughts on “starting on a road less traveled on

  1. I think everyone has a lot going on under the surface so when you get close to someone, you find out their stuff they pushed behind their front and you share yours. It’s not so bad.

  2. Hi Abby
    Also I’m a solitary and not sociable person…my draws, crafts and internet are my entertainments ( and my boyfriend) . Sometimes I also need the silence to arranging my thoughts,… but too much silence is not good.
    Have a good day, today and always.
    Many hugs

  3. Good, good post!

    Songs aren’t the only things that pop out of nowhere to speak to/lecture you. Blog posts can do the same! This feels very me; I have music going almost all the time. And I’m getting really good at distracting myself beyond decision-making…

  4. This is a very insightful post Abby. Several years ago I realized my mind never stopped. I was very over tired and needed to make some changes, but I could not quiet my mind.

    And so I began to practice silence. It is a peaceful place to be. Just start small at a minute or two and go from there.

    xoxo,
    Carrie

  5. I like your photos very much.
    I don’t like sitting still either. I am always up to something, and usually sleeping far less than seven hours a day. Life is too wonderful to be wasted.

  6. I often find when I read your posts that you’re saying exactly what I’m thinking. I think we’re probably very alike. I’m also dealing with silence, and past mistakes and worries. I hope we can both get to the next stage beyond this and look back, smiling at how far we’ve come!

    I love when a song comes on that sounds like it was written just for you. It makes you feel less alone to know that someone else is going through what you are.

    xxx

  7. This was a fantastic post! I love sitting in the silence- just listening to my own heart beat. “The sound of silence” is the best 🙂

  8. I remember this one time when I had no internet for 5 whole days. Just like, you I thought I was going insane. It’s crazy how much we depend on things like computers, cell phones, TV, sometimes I feel like we are throwing our best years out the window because of our “addictions”. Or, maybe we feel safe in our own little world and we don’t want to step outside where we feel vulnerable.

  9. Ah, silence. Something I aw well accustomed to on most days…thankfully I allow it to engulf me and I embrace it. It helps call out to my inner muse!

  10. This is such a gorgeous post. I’ve come to require music as a part of my routine (listening to it right now as a matter of fact), but I have slowly come to appreciate the beauty of absolute silence. I think it forces my imagine to wander and expand. But I do think total and utter silence can sometimes be quite frightening, because of the “darkness” like you said.

    And I love this song!

  11. I know what you mean! I love being busy so much that I kind of dread going to sleep. I find the time spent lying there, waiting for sleep to come, quite boring. But that’s when all my best thinking is done it seems 🙂

    Bea from A plus B

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