Why can’t you stay in your room five minutes in the silence?
I wrote this four weeks ago, as well. I didn’t have internet at the time. Just thought I’d post it anyway.
I’ll admit that sometimes I do have a problem with silence. I’m so used to having music playing all the time even when I’m by myself in the room. I need the internet to browse the web and connect with people and write blog posts and have people read my blog posts and comment on my blog posts and I’ll comment on their’s back, yes, yes. Or so that I can be an attention prostitute.
And now I’m without internet and I feel woefully deprived. As if something’s missing. The boredom is killing me, because without internet, I don’t have anything to do. I already practiced piano today, I forgot to bring a book just in case I didn’t have internet (because I assumed that I would have internet) and I have more than an hour until bedtime and I’m just sitting here with the computer open and music playing (again) and trying to think about stuff to write because I simply have nothing else to do. Plus no one’s here yet, so I can’t socialize, not that I am any good at that, either.
Then this song started playing. It’s a song called Five Minutes, by the Boston-based boy band (Woo! Alliteration skills!) Forget the Girl. I have no idea what they’re up to, but last I heard they were in the process of recording a new CD, which would be slow in coming because band members went to graduate school and got married and important stuff like that.
Anyway, it’s weird the way some songs will speak to you your own thoughts at the right time. Or even give you what amounts to a lecture on the very topic you’re thinking of, or trying to avoid.
This song is a little like the “forgotten song” I’ve talked about in a previous blog, and not just because I forgot about it for months and months. It’s reminding me of things I once knew how to do but forgot how to. Like sitting still and figuring it out.
It’s making me feel as if I’m so close to finally getting things right.
I can’t sit still. I need to be always moving, always running around, always feeling as if I’m useful. I do like being useful, and I do like helping people. At the same time, I realized that sometimes, my serving only serves as an excuse, a distraction. Something to keep myself from thinking too hard. Something to keep myself from postponing decisions to be made, and things to be figured out.
Like figuring out why I can’t stop thinking about past mistakes I’ve made, no matter how stupid they are. At some point, I need to stop worrying that I’ll make the mistake again and let go of it and just live. I can’t change the fact that it’s already happened, and all I can do is learn from it and move on.
Maybe we do worry too much at times about things like acceptance, and the question of whether we’re so messed-up that we’re beyond redemption, not to mention friendship. Whether people will leave our sides once they realize how much is churning below the surface — and because they’re afraid that we’ll draw them into our struggles.
Or because we believe that we’re such screw-ups that we’re afraid that we’ll fail those people as well.
We need to go on and live our lives how we were meant to live it.
Silence is good for me. I don’t have anything to distract me for a while, so I can confront that sense of wrongness that I’ve been feeling for a while. Perhaps I’m only five minutes away from finding the answer.
Maybe we keep on adding to the noise in our lives because we’re so afraid of figuring things out. Or maybe because we’re so afraid of the darkness we will find when we shut the music off.
But then, perhaps we can still become free.
‘Cause you’re five minutes from
Starting on a road less traveled on
Five minutes from
Knowing why you need distraction
You’re five minutes from
Five minutes from real life
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