The Call

Not merely an acknowledgement of fragmentation, of the silence, or the water rising up all around me. Not merely to be sounds to fill the silence, or notes to hide the pain. Not merely to be the “it is what it is.” Not merely that beautiful, broken melody that signifies my sad humanness. Or the perfect porcelain exterior that hides the hollowness of feeling. Not merely the expression of the smallness of our own significance, or the paper hiding the hole in the wall.

So many goodbyes and not enough greetings.

None of these things… alone.

But to go further, an unmasking of the silence, the remembrance of the forgetfulness, an unveiling of the hidden wound so that it can face daylight and receive healing. A changing, an evolution of what one thing is into what it should be in its broken sublimity.

Not merely, but more.

A call to freedom and to love’s beginning.

All photos are under a CC license and used with permission. Click photos for credits.

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Contemplation 3

I can finally see,
That you’re right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been anew,
Please don’t let me go,
I desperately need you.

From the Matrix:

Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Neo: The Matrix.

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?

Neo: Yes.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work… when you go to church… when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.

Sometimes I feel as if I need something that is more than what I have right now. A certain kind of emptiness, as if there were something missing that I’d either lost a long time ago, or something. Perhaps its absence signifies something that I’ve lost.

And thus, not knowing what the need inside us signifies but feeling it all the same, we actively search for the fulfillment of this unspoken need…

At the end of the day, I desperately need You.

CC license – click photos for artist credit

Give me reply

And please, let the music I make be as true a reply to those who need it. A reply to violence, a reply to silence, a reply to despair, a reply to shame, a reply to saltwater tears, a reply to brokenness, a reply to loneliness, a reply to my own unspoken needs…

… and let it be ever true for as long as I live.

All photos are under a CC license and used with permission. Click photos for credits.

Touch

“You look so happy.”

Surprise coloring her voice, blended with curiosity and a tentative tendril of doubt.

Wondering, if maybe she reached out her fingers and touched, this happiness would pass over to her as well. As if happiness was something that could be passed along from hand to hand, like bananas or a small rubber ball. Or with a look and a sigh.

As if, like the woman bleeding for many years, she could touch the cloak and feel alive again, with only a little faith, and desperation, and helplessness, and fear, and longing.

… if I could touch your clothes, I could feel your power…

Oh yes, the longing. The wanting but not having. The needing but not getting.

And being so alone and forsaken.

She is so hesitant, not knowing whether this is true happiness. Not knowing whether the true happiness that many speak of even exists… the light at the end of the tunnel or just the train.

Or maybe it’s that she doesn’t want to reach out to the illusion she sees at the bottom of the well, and fall in and drown altogether.

I’ve got the faith to believe…

Is it worth the effort to find out? She’s been hurt one times too many.

She remembers everything that transpired. Raw insides. Endless bleeding.

It hurts.

I’m so tired.

Forget.

No. Believe.

Reaching out, and pulling away… reaching out, and pulling away…

Could she fall down the rabbit hole, so to speak, and begin again?

Believe.

All we know is that it isn’t her last chance.

Not yet.

But I’m running towards you and it’s all I believe.

All photos are under a CC license and used with permission. Click photos for credits.

Song: Come My Way by Skillet

Related post: On Choosing Happiness by chasingparadise

Soul Windows

… Akin
To one who’s locked inside a room
And, hearing noises in the street,
Peers through a window eagerly.
Like him, my heart cannot conceive
What’s happening and, mid such noise,
Looks through the eyes to catch a view,
As eyes are windows of the soul
Where hearts pour out in teary dews.

—-Life is a Dream, by Calderon de la Barca

For a while, I’ve been thinking of a particular topic which I could write to accompany this beautiful little selection from Calderon de la Barca’s play Life is a Dream. I’m still stumped.

It’s a perfect, insightful bit of poetry all by itself, even without knowing the context in which it was spoken.

And I do encourage anyone reading to read the work for themselves. Penguin Classics has an excellent translation. In terms of its wisdom, accessibility, and easily understood language, I think this is the best reading assignment I’ve gotten in all of freshman year. Each time I read the work, I get something new from it. At the same time it’s pretty straightforward.

Maybe we do look through the eyes of another to gain some sort of understanding of the situation. That could be why when we’re guilty or ashamed, we’re afraid of letting other people meet our eyes. We don’t want them to decipher what’s going on because they might judge us and be disappointed in turn.

i won’t let go of your hand

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other
Watches him close from that wire
He says he wants to as well but he is a liar

– “Two Birds” by Regina Spektor

I was trying to find a Youtube video with the song, and I found this utterly charming music video, filmed and directed by Alex Calleros and starring Adele Watkin and Dan Beckner.

I think it’s absolutely beautiful, not to mention poignant. And it almost makes me want to cry.

Both song and music video illustrate so well what happens when a couple grows apart instead of growing together. Maybe one wants the two of them to keep moving forward in life. However, the other one is, for some reason, afraid. Maybe afraid of what those changes might mean. Afraid that things won’t be the same.

Afraid that if he (using he because of the music video, though it can always be a she) himself were to change, he would no longer be in control of anything.

The sky’s too big.

Exhausted even before he makes the effort, he sits on the couch and plays video games.

Two birds on a wire
One says c’mon and the other says I’m tired

He is the bird clinging to the wire, while the other bird, the one who wants to fly away with him, keeps telling him that he’s slowly killing himself where he’s at.

I’ll believe it all
There’s nothing I won’t understand
I’ll believe it all
I won’t let go of your hand

In retrospect, it looks foolish. His bird companion wants to help him. She takes him as he is and tries to understand where he’s coming from. At the same time, she knows that he can’t stay on the wire. We were never meant to just stay where we are. Birds fly, even if the sky is overcast. We can’t avoid change, however much we’d like to. Even though change is scary.

But when change can be a beautiful thing as well?

She’s even promising not to let go of his hand.

The sad thing is that she can’t sit on the wire with him forever, either. Eventually she will have no choice but to leave him on the wire, if he wishes to stay there. Even sadder, these are two people who have made a commitment to each other, out of love. He delays her journey from the wire as well as his own by leading her on, telling her that sure, he’s going to do it when really he’s not.

He says that he will but he’s just a liar

How many times have I wanted things to remain the same as they ever were? How many times have I purposely kept myself from moving just so things could stay as they were?

We can all be scared little birds sometimes, but we have to move on and let go of the wire if we are to live the full life that we were meant to live.

After all, the sky is a big place.

But we’re not alone.

I won’t let go of your hand. . .

All photos are under a CC license and used with permission. Click photos for credits.

Just to break my fall

I love black and white things. Especially black and white photography.

Black and white photos, or color photos of black and white stuff, for your amusement. All cobbled together from Flickr creative commons. Click photos for sources!

The city at night…

… pianos…

… the crispness of black print against white paper…

… black and white pictures of flowers…

… mint chocolate chip ice cream…

… rainy skies…

… silver…

… and Regina Spektor’s music video Fidelity.

I like that it is when she decides to stop keeping herself from experiencing true love that color appears. Like going with courage into a fuller experience, instead of keeping herself back by “protecting her heart truly.” And ripping the black ribbon necklace from her throat and throwing it on the ground when he offers her his heart, to the white pendant shattering, releasing all these beautiful colors.

For her, giving her own heart doesn’t only mean that the boy will be able to know her fully — it also means that she will be able to know him fully as well.

I suppose I love all the symbolism, from the rather surreal and spare black and white surroundings (but beautiful nevertheless) to the wild paint pigment smeared all over herself and the boy.

It gives me goosebumps.

And it breaks my heart… breaks my heart