It Was Never Mine to Hold

when all the world is blossoming
when everything around is bursting into life
and I don’t have to strain to hear the beat of Your heart
oh, oh…

when all the world is under fire
when the skies are threatening to thunder and rain
and I am overcome by fears that I can’t see
oh, oh…

if everything is Yours, everything is Yours
if everything is Yours,
I can let it go; it was never mine to hold.

who could command the stars to sing
or hold the raging seas from breaking through the doors
and tend the fragile roses with the very same hands?
oh, oh…

I can let it go–I can let it go
Cause everything is Yours, everything is Yours.

I just heard “Everything is Yours” by new artist Audrey Assad. I recently found this artist through a facebook ad… funny, right? It goes to show that God can even use those annoying facebook ads to His glory.

What I think is interesting is the way she takes a familiar theme – that of trusting God both in the good circumstances and the bad – and fits it to a song with touching lyrics and a heartwarming melody in a way that it seems new and beautiful and like a hot cup of chicken noodle soup on a cold, rainy day.

While this song is encouraging, speaking of God who commands the stars to sing, holds the raging seas from breaking through the doors, and tends roses, there seems to be a hint of sadness. There is the God who owns everything, takes care of everything, while there is the fragile human spirit who is grasping so tightly to the things that was really never hers to hold.

Letting go is something I’ve always had a problem with. I’m the human whose happiness always seems to depend on whether I get what I think I want. Or whether I get to keep the things that I hold so dear.

Even my hurts. There is a certain comfort to holding a familiar hurt and nursing it through many weeks or months of brooding. There’s a certain feeling one gets from twisting the knife in again and again… and it’s so easy to get used to the pain to the point where when we’re given a chance to give up the pain, it’s unthinkable and so we turn it down. I turned down the chance many times because I’d lived with the pain so long that I couldn’t think of living without it. So I thought about it day after day. I dreamed about it at night… and I really didn’t want to let it go even though it hurt so much.

It’s interesting that even pain can be so dear… I didn’t want to relinquish it even though I had no claim on it.

I eventually was forced to let it go. Circumstances called for it and I found that it wasn’t as difficult letting go as I thought. But even now I still struggle with the thought that the life I live is not totally my own.

It’s Your sacred heart within me beating, Your voice within me calling out…

There is a certain irony to all this.

We are so unwilling to let go of the things that we could do very well without. Please don’t take it away, it’s mine, I’ve lived with it so long I don’t think I could do without it. If you take it away I will be lost… if you take him away I don’t think my heart can beat the same way… You have no right to take it away. Those thoughts fill us, consume our small fragile hearts, and meanwhile we do our best to hang on to a shred of something that we think is solidarity but is no better than the shadow world we live in.

Meanwhile, the things we so desperately need are the things we are so hesitant about reaching out and taking hold of.

But we are offered the chance to let go of all those things because God wants us to experience so much more of what he has for us. He wants us to grow beyond our pain and learn things like trust and humility and faith. He doesn’t want us to focus on all the reality of our hurts but reach for the unknown beauty of the eternal.

He wants us to be whole again.

And there are always comfort for our pain. We need that, too.

Enjoy the spring sunshine and the warmth outside!

ps: i think the lyrics in the vid might be incorrect. I’ve put up in the beginning of this post what I believe are the correct lyrics. Meanwhile, Audrey Assad’s LP comes out in June. Buy it. I’m going to.

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One thought on “It Was Never Mine to Hold

  1. I found this post on accident through a web search for Audrey’s song. I just wanted to leave a comment and let you know that i’m going through a very hard time in life. I’m 18, married and pregnant and have been having a lot of pregnancy problems. My midwife thinks i’ve lost the baby. This has gone on for 6 weeks now, I found out tomorrow whether I am still pregnant or not. (If I am, i’ll be 15 weeks) I’m having a sonogram and am terrified of not seeing a baby… reading your post encouraged me and reminded me that God has a bigger and more beautiful plan for my life and possibly for my baby’s life. I just wanted to say thank-you, this post touched home in my heart and reminded me that God is in controll.
    God bless,
    Shyloh

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