My piano teacher has this weird thing of suggesting career options for me. I can’t take him too seriously, though. But he makes me laugh, all the time. The other day, within five minutes, he suggested around five or six possible career options. Medical school, physics, chemistry, biology, nursing, geography (what?) … and then he ruled out nursing because of my size.
Then he decided that I should be a gold-digger.
Part of it is because at this point I am very unsure about what I want to do with my life. I decided that I don’t really like psychology that much to want to go to grad school for it. Then I thought that maybe I might change my major to English because I want to devote more time to practice and I would only need to take nine courses to fulfill the major as opposed to 13 or more with psychology and because I love love love to write and read. But then I would also want to minor in psychology and my college doesn’t offer a minor in psychology, shame on them. And then when awesome people like my piano teacher asks me, “What do you want piano to be to you?” I have no answer because I really don’t know what to say or how to put into words what piano means to me. And to say anything would be to look foolish because … I’m not a very good musician. *insert sad classical music and some sobbing*
And meanwhile my greatest fear right now is that I’ll be one of those musicians with a beat up keyboard at the side of the road with a tin cup for people to put pennies in.
I know I write about this topic a lot. I know I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It’s been at the forefront of my mind ever since I entered college. For one thing, I don’t want to waste time doing something that will bear no fruit when I could be doing something that could. I don’t know if what I’m doing right now will be the right thing to do. I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions. I don’t know if I’ll look back some day and be sorry I made one choice over another. I don’t know half the time who I am either.
There’s a lot of things I don’t know, so many that I wish sometimes that God would tell me what to do in a dream or vision or something of the sort. But God doesn’t really work that way, because he shouldn’t have to for us to have faith in Him.
Arithmetic, by Brooke Fraser, perfectly defines my mood right now. It’s very much a searching song. The poet expresses her unsureness with life – she doesn’t know a lot of things. Like me.
The one thing she does know is that God is the one she wants. He is the source of certainty of future. And She wants to ultimately live a life that sings His song.
Considering that, this is what I know for now: that God is faithful. He is faithful enough to guide me in the paths I’m supposed to be on and catch me when my feet are slipping and assure me when my steps are halting. He’ll provide for me so I won’t have to go gold digging (so there, piano teacher). And if, God forbid, I stray so far as to get lost, then He’ll come find me and bring me back to Him.
I guess it does sound very idealistic.
So this is what I have to trust to God: that I am walking toward a future that I am afraid to dare to imagine. And that my life is singing His song.