Spam Wars: Episode I

“The Lonely Menace”

This would be an entry in the diary of a spammer. Due to the massive amounts of spam posted on a forum/discussion board I frequent, I thought I would make a humorous series called “Spam Wars.” This is the first episode. There will be two more. Stay tuned and enjoy! 

The alarm rings. I wake up in bed to yet another dreary day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, yet I feel desolate. For I am alone.

Yes, alone, for there is no lover to comfort me or keep me warm at night. There’s no one to come home to after a bad day (in fact, I stay home all the time because I cannot bear the thought). I am here, waiting for my lover to come and sweep me off my feet and take me away from this dreary existence into a life of love, romance, and adventure.

I turn on the computer and check my facebook and myspace for any messages from any of the random men I added the night before. As always, there is nothing. Before checking eHarmony, I stop and look at my Superpoke Pet. He looks just as lonely and sad as I do. 

Finally, I remember to check the Superpoke Pets forum. I post a quick message communicating my availability. As I read it over, my eyes well up with tears, for it accurately describes my loneliness and desperation. 

“i m a sngle and loneley woman. i need a LUVER”

How can people be so callous? Already I see replies which are clearly mocking me. “This is not a dating site. Please do not post this.” or, “I could care less if you had a lover. Why don’t you spend your time bettering this world instead of going around looking desperately for a lover??”

Their words wound me to the depths of my soul. Why can’t they understand? A boy + girl = LIFE. There is no question about that. Without a boyfriend, there can be no life. There can only be sadness. Life is not worth living without that partner. 

It has been 3 days now since I’ve had a boyfriend. I do not know how much longer I can hold out. Please – if anyone is out there – help me. I cannot bear the thought of being alone for much longer.





Moral? eHarmony is better at finding you a mate than Superpoke Pets.


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